mood: disappointed

I know my goal was to just make it to Nationals. And I did it.
I worked my butt off all summer. I trained with a few members of the guys team and pushed through every work-out.
I made it a goal of mine to never give up.

Coming in to Nationals, I was extremely overwhelmed.
I had one other teammate here with me, but he was a triple jumper.
I was definitely not used to running alone. To get myself motivated alone.

I sat in my room and thought about my race over and over again.
Normally, I try to think of anything negative that could happen. And going into the race, I take all those negative thoughts and use it as the motivation I need to grasp the positive.
It's a weird tactic, but it works.

Normally, I'm extremely focused during the race. I had won the past couple of races leading up into Nationals, and I must say that I was extremely focused, a little nervous, but definitely knew what I had to do to succeed.
And I did it all. I won, I improved my times, and I got to Nationals.

I think I forgot all of that when I stepped on the track at Nationals.
I was so nervous. I didn't think of it as "just another race." I thought of it as Nationals.
That was my first mistake.
I got tied up in the pack. I completely lost focus. I let myself down by thinking I couldn't hang with the top of the pack.

I ended up not placing in the top 5 like I was supposed to. I ended up not placing 6th or 7th to still give myself a chance to make it to the finals.
I came in 9th in my heat I believe. 18th overall with a 4:42.
I was so crushed. I held in my tears until I left the track, went to my coaches and my parents and cried.
I even made my mom cry. She hates seeing me upset.
I feel like I let everyone down. Everyone expected me to make it to the finals. My dad kept saying how proud he would be for me to become an All-American just like him (except his was in baseball).

And I couldn't get it done. I had a bad race, I lost focus, and I just completely lost it.
I haven't raced like that all season. And I wish I could say I have another shot, but I don't. My collegiate career is over.
Sure, I can run unattached and redeem myself that way, but I just don't know.
Every time I get motivated, I get upset that I wasn't this motivated prior to the race.

However, I am truly blessed to have been given this opportunity.
It's extremely incredible. And I know I deserved every ounce it took to get here.
I know I had a successful season and career at Stockton. I just wish it ended on a little better note.
Nationals is unlike anything I've ever been to or competed in before. The competition is insane. Just watching it is truly remarkable.
I am so thankful to be here. And I know I deserve to be here.

Tomorrow is the last day of Nationals.
Ben on my team is competing in the triple jump. He became an All-American indoors by placing 8th in the event, so hopefully he can repeat that status again.
We're flying home from Ohio around 7:10 at night.
I just want to get home, see my boyfriend, buckle down and get to work on training for summer races and future unattached races.
And hey, at least now I can win money for competing. And hopefully join a running club in the future and eventually start coaching.
One chapter has ended, but another one is most certainly beginning.

mood: hopeful

I've won a handful of races throughout the season in both the 1500 and 800.
Our 4x400 competed at Penn Relays where we ran pretty well, but sadly did not win like last year. It was still a fun time though.

I won the 1500 at NJACs with a time of 4:39. My best time before that was a 4:46. I then came in 2nd in the 800 with a time of 2:14. My best time before that was a 2:17. In the 4x400, my split was a 59.
I just missed qualifying for Nationals in the 1500 and 800 by 1 second and 0.5 seconds respectively. I was so upset, but so thrilled with how well I ran.

I won the NJAC Most Outstanding Female Athlete after NJACs. Or, in other words, the NJAC Female Athlete of the Year for Outdoor Track/Field. I couldn't have been more grateful and happy about the accomplishment. I knew all my hard work was finally paying off.

At ECACs, I qualified for Nationals in the 1500 with a time of 4:33. It put me at 15th on the National list. I wasn't sure if I was going to make the cut for Nationals. My 800 run went terribly because the girl in front of me fell, I screamed, I hurdled her, and after that, it was all downhill. I really lost my rhythm and energy, but it's okay because my 1500 was solid. So, I ran a 2:18. It's still not terrible, but definitely not what I wanted to do at the meet. Oh well, it happens. In the 4x400 relay, we ran a season best of 4:04 (not as good as last year's 3:58, but we were really thrilled about PRing for the season), and I split a 60 in the 400.

Today, I found out that I qualified for Nationals.
This has been a dream of mine since I was a freshmen at Stockton. 
After I got mono my freshmen year, after getting bursitis in my knee at the beginning of my sophomore year, and after the past two years of really trying to drop my times to get to ECACs and eventually Nationals,
I finally did it. And I couldn't be happier about it.

That being said, I'm still feeling a little uneasy.
Because of my qualifications, I have wanted Alex to see me race. I wanted nothing more than for him to come to ECACs.
But because of bad weather and traffic, he chose not to.
Now, during Nationals, he has class.
I got so upset with him last night about it that it almost cost us our relationship.
I wasn't trying to upset him. I was just trying to tell him how I felt.
But.. I suck. And of course almost ruined things for us.
I apologized tremendously for it, but I still don't know if things are okay.
I feel actually pretty sick to my stomach over it. And I'm just hoping I can see him before I leave for Nationals to make sure things are okay.
I really don't want to deal with anything bad right now. It's a horrible feeling. I feel horrible.

We did surpass our one year anniversary though. It was on May 8th.
I love him. I'm really happy with him, and all I want is for things to remain okay.
I really hope they do. He's my best friend, my boyfriend, and above all, the best thing to ever happen to me.

Anyway,
I leave on Wednesday by plane to fly to Ohio for Nationals.
Crossing my fingers that I don't get sick like I did when I flew to Florida with my friends a few years back.
I have a banquet Wednesday night with all of the qualifiers/coaches.
On Thursday at 7 pm are the trials for the 1500. I think I need to place in the top 12 in order to make the finals.
On Saturday at 2 pm are the finals for the 1500. If I make the finals and place in the top 8, I will be an All-American.
It'll be really tough to do, but I'm going to try my absolute best to do all that I can at Nationals.
However, it's definitely good enough in my book that I'm even going to compete in Nationals. It's such an honor.

I'll update about Nationals after I return. Praying all goes well!

mood: content

 It's been awhile.
During school, I can never seem to find the time to update this thing.

In brief, here's my life in a nutshell:

- I'm observing 2nd grade in Margate. It's awesome, hands down. What a great school district to be in. Those teachers have it made, let me tell you. I'm done my fieldwork hours in about two weeks. I'm glad I'll be able to sleep the majority of my days of the week so soon again.
- This was by far my best indoor track season ever. I won the mile at NJAC's. I get so teary-eyed when I watch the film of that race at home. My parents filmed it. I was not expected to win, and their reactions and everything just get to me every time. It was honestly the best feeling I've felt in probably my entire life. So, I was close to breaking a 5-minute mile indoors, which I've never been close to indoors, but I didn't do it. I finished the season with a 5:03 mile, 2:17 800, 3:05 1,000, 9:40 4x800, and 4:10 4x400. All of those are personal bests/new school records minus the 4x400, but we only ran it once, so it's okay. I'm so SO pleased with how the season went. I can't believe it's already over. I'm completely amped for spring track. I don't want this all to end. Why am I already a senior? This can't be happening.
- Tuesday marked 10 months with Alex. Has it really been that long already? Anyway, I'm in love and I'm happy. We bicker at times, but it's resolved in like 5 seconds. I just feel so completely comfortable and happy with him. I'm very lucky.
- Spring break starts tomorrow. I can't wait to be home. The semester ends May 2nd though.. so soon! My final class is April 28th, though :) too bad I'll be competing in track until the end of May, though.

Have I mentioned that I can't walk in graduation until December?
Stockton decided to make graduation on the same day as all of our sports' biggest events. So, instead of walking for graduation, I will be competing in NJAC's and (hopefully) winning another title for myself. That would be absolutely incredible for my final season.
So, luckily, I'm here for an extra semester since the education program here is 5 1/2 years. You graduate with one degree and come back for a year and a half for the education program so you finish with two degrees. Luckily, I'm a year ahead due to taking extra classes and summer classes, so I'm only here an extra semester.
Therefore, I get the opportunity to walk in December. It's not necessarily what I wanted to do, but it's what I have to do, so I'll take it.


More to come soon!
That's pretty much the gist of my life right now, though :)
I'm happy and smiling, so I can't really complain about that :)

mood: loved

soo cross country..
didn't end quite the way i wanted to. regionals started off great, but the conditions were roughed, and all the banging around and pushing made me lose focus and basically break.
it sucked but.. it's over and done with.
i ran a good time and placed decent, so i can't FULLY complain. but i really wanted all-region and perhaps nationals.
it is what it is, though. my season overall was phenominal this year.
and everytime i think about how i'm completely done cross country forever.. i try to think that maybe in some bizarre universe i could actually go back in time and do everything all over again.
i know that i can't, but i'm really not ready to let go.

indoor track started right away.
my first race is this sunday at yale university. it's a relay meet.
we had solid relays for both the guys and girls, but things happened, so hopefully we're still as strong as we can be for this meet.
i know it's early and i should be more worried about everything falling into place come january and onward, but i just take every meet so seriously. i really can't help it.
i'm running the mile leg of the distance medley and a leg in the 4 x 800 meter relay. i'm just hoping for a solid performance.
i've felt so good lately. i can just taste a truely successful season approaching.

on side notes,
i'm in love. and it's such a beautiful thing to feel again.
i haven't felt so comfortable and so complete in such a long time.
he's just.. everything perfect that i could ever want.
school is going well. there's no doubt in my mind that i'll make the dean's list (i hope).
i'm having a great semester, and it's almost over.
december 14th, i'm waiting for you.
my fieldwork is (finally) over. it was a little dreadful but.. hopefully next semester's is better.
i found out today that i'll be observing 2nd grade at an elementary school in margate, so i'm excited.
i can't believe in a semester, i'll be graduating. and in a year, i'll (hopefully) be teaching.

christmas is just around the corner.
i hate this cold weather, but i love this warm atmosphere.
i'm excited for it.



until next time --

mood: cheerful

ANMB2009 12:22 am
    I love you. I can't stop thinking about you. I love it the most when you hold my hand... and when I kiss you before you go to class. I love it when we sleep next to each other... and pull the blanket over when it gets cold (with the fan on). I love it when you wake up... and as soon as I see you... we kiss. I love it when we lay down on the couch, bed, floor, and anything. I can't stop thinking about it and how lucky I am to be with you. I think about you just about every minute. You're perfect.
That is just how I feel.



I haven't felt this good in a very long time.
 

mood: alive

This is the first time
in a very long time
that I've felt completely comfortable, completely happy, and completely safe
with someone.

It's not official yet..
but we know what we are.
And we care about each other.
And I love it.

I got gifts for no reason,
on his birthday,
just because he thought of me.
I don't know anyone else who would ever do that for me.

I was scared;
but now I'm not.
And it's the greatest feeling ever :)